Written by Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn from the Good Mourning podcast. A big thanks to Good Mourning for collaborating with Bare on this article.

Coping with grief at Christmas can be challenging. Whether you’re remembering someone you love or caring for someone at the end of their life, the festive season is often charged with memories, and it can be hard to know how to honour or include your person. It’s also a time of year when the empty seats at the table constantly remind people that they aren’t here to celebrate. 

Finding small ways to make them part of your Christmas can be especially helpful if you’re struggling with difficult feelings of finality after loss, as it can help you feel like they are still included in your life. The Continuing Bonds theory is a concept that is super helpful for coping with Christmas grief while also helping to reframe how to keep your person included in the season’s festivities.

The idea is that even though your loved one may no longer be here physically, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t exist (can we get an amen to that?!). The Continuing Bonds theory says that you can still create a bond with the person who died and that honouring loved ones at Christmas is a healthy way to grieve. It’s not about detaching from the person who died (that’s unhealthy, they say), it’s about remembering loved ones during the holidays by finding small ways to keep their memory alive. 

So, what Christmas memory rituals can you do to honour them? The answer is a lot! As co-hosts of The Good Mourning podcast, we know a lot about festive season grief support, and we often hear stories from our community about how to honour deceased loved ones at this time of year. 

Here are ten ideas for you:

Bring them into the celebration. Set a seat at the table or give them a toast. Get together with family and friends and swap stories.

Make it a team effort. You may have friends who are also dealing with grief and find the festival season challenging. Host a gathering to be there to support each other.

Celebrate their favourite things. Cook something they love and include it in your family meal. Share memories, listen to their favourite music, or watch their favourite Christmas movie.

Honour their legacy with kindness. Volunteer for a cause they care about. Channel them by spending time doing something they love. Helping others can be a surefire way to feel good and find a sense of purpose on days when you might want to hide away. 

Wear something of theirs. Putting on clothing (like a cosy jumper), some of their jewellery, or an accessory that was theirs. This can help you feel like they are close to you because it’s a part of them that you can touch and feel.

Create a simple ritual. Buy yourself a lovely candle and light for them at the start of the day, and blow it out at the end.

Visit their resting place. Take a wreath to their grave or the spot where their ashes are scattered. 

Preserve shared memories. If they are at the end of their life, create a memory box and reflect on special moments with them. You could include photos, cards, letters, or little things that remind you of special occasions.

Put your feelings into words. Write them a Christmas card, and take the time to tell them what you miss about them or who you are remembering them as. Take the time to reflect on things, and don’t be afraid to express your feelings.

Or skip the fuss. Finally, it’s also perfectly okay to skip Christmas this year and treat it like a normal day.

A big part of learning to live with grief is finding ways to keep the connection with them alive and carry their memory forward that feels right for you. Remember that grief is something that we learn to integrate into our lives. It ebbs and flows – some months (or years) can feel more challenging than others). 

Give yourself the grace and permission to feel and miss your person. It’s perfectly normal, especially at this time of year. It can be empowering to remember that you can and will be both sad and happy – and that’s perfectly okay.

About the Authors

Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn are the co-founders of Good Mourning, Australia’s leading grief support podcast, book and community. If you enjoyed this article, we recommend you listen to their episode on How to survive Christmas when you’re grieving.