Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and other special days can be extra tough when dealing with grief. These days harshly remind you that your special someone is no longer with you. There’s also the added societal expectation that these days are all about having fun and being happy. In contrast, you’re most likely feeling so far from happy and want to pretend these special days simply didn't exist. These days will eventually come.
Think through some of the following ideas to help you better prepare for and live through these special days. If you prepare and live through these days, you’ll actually find some peace, new meaning and even a few smiles on the day.
Let go of all expectations.
Commit to yourself that you’re not going to worry about what you’re expected to do. Instead, concentrate on those things that are most important for you and your loved ones. You may even want to make a ‘have to’ list to recognise the things that mean the most. Then make an ‘optional’ list to recognise those things that you’ll do if you have time or feel like it. Finally, make a ‘let go’ list to recognise those things you won’t do this year. Release expectations and simplify the day.
Find special photos or objects.
Buy a special ornament for the Christmas tree that reminds you of your special person, or print and frame some favourite photos from past birthdays or Christmases to have in the home at these special times. Photos that bring about memories are ideal. Yes, they’ll bring sadness, but also smiles and even laughter as you remember back.
Consider the challenges.
This is a tough one, but not ignoring the difficulties and facing them will allow you to get through the day a little easier. Take some quiet time to consider the moments you’ll miss your loved one the most. Is there a special holiday tradition they were an integral part of? If you think of these special moments in private, you’ll likely be better prepared for them when they happen. Also, think about how you’ll talk to and answer your friends and family when they ask ‘how are you going?’ or ‘is there anything I can do to help?’ Thinking about how you’ll answer will prepare you for questions and help you avoid having to just say ‘I'm fine’. These days are difficult, but giving yourself time and space to think them through will better prepare you.
Buy a gift for someone.
Find something they would have liked or something that reflects their personality or interests. Then donate the gift to someone in need. You’ll be achieving two things through this gift. You’ll be continuing your relationship with your loved one as you think about the gift, and secondly you’re giving to someone who’ll appreciate the gift.
Create a memory box.
Leave a box or stocking (if it's Christmas) around the house, as well slips of paper and pens. Ask those who visit you in the lead up to the day to write down their favourite memories. Ask them to put their slips in the box. You do the same. Read them together on Christmas day, the birthday or other special day. Bringing good memories to mind helps replace the sadness caused by not having your loved one with you physically. Allow the happy memories to flood over you and don’t allow sadness to drown out the memories.
It's OK to show emotion.
It's OK to cry and you won’t ruin the birthday, anniversary or Christmas if you cry. Give other people permission to cry also. Many times the best support you can give a crying person is just a hug, as well as a few words to let them know it is OK to cry. Use other ways to show emotion also. You can get a lot of support through a pat on the shoulder, holding hands or a hug. Be open to receive and give a hug.
Enjoy the day.
Yes you can be sad and happy at the same time. Make today your day. You are special. Even if you don’t feel like it, get up. Get dressed. Step outside. Be around the people you want to spend time with. Light a memory candle and take some time for your thoughts to be with your loved one. Allow yourself time to grieve, but for every minute you spend in grief, equal that time with happy memories. Know that you’ll make it through and have moments of sadness, but also moments of joy. The day after, you will look back and say that wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.
If you need more support on your grief journey, head to our grief resources page for a wealth of videos and articles about navigating grief.
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