For a lot of people, getting a good night’s sleep can be a tricky task to accomplish at the best of times, without grief coming into play. Sleep while experiencing grief can be especially difficult to achieve and the bereft often have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.
So in the days, weeks, or even months after someone close to you has died, it is common to experience a change or disruption in your sleeping pattern.
The problem is, fatigue creeps up on us slowly. The emotional turmoil that follows the loss of a loved one often causes various levels of exhaustion. This might even be a long and sustained period of exhaustion if the deceased person’s health had been deteriorating for some time.
Consequently, we can get so used to feeling tired, spacey, or overwhelmed with everything we need to do after someone close to us dies, that we might not realise how sleep deprived we are. If you are experiencing a time of intense grief, it’s so important to look after YOU.
Life and grief are that much more difficult to navigate when you’re fatigued. So I’ve put together some tips to help you get through the night and try to get some sleep despite your grief.
Tips to settle yourself to sleep at night while grieving.
Sleep hygiene refers to our habits and circumstances surrounding sleep. When struck with losing a loved one, all good habits tend to go out the window as grief takes over. Maintaining habits can give us a sense of normalcy and routine during a difficult time, taking it one day at a time.
Developing healthy nighttime routines and also keeping a gentle structure to your days can support better sleep hygiene while grieving. Establishing a bedtime routine is key to telling your brain it’s time to rest. Start by setting yourself a nightly bedtime goal and try to stick to it as best as possible. Setting an alarm can also be a good reminder to get ready for bed when bedtime approaches.
As difficult as it may be to find the energy to exercise during the day, even the smallest activity like a moderate walk can help tire you out at night. Getting some fresh air does wonders for mental health too. Physical activity is a good step to promote sleep at a time of grief - or any time for that matter. If you have a dog to walk, your four-legged pal will appreciate the exercise as well.
Your brain should associate your bedroom with sleep, so avoid highly stimulating activities like watching TV, or playing computer or mobile games. Instead, unwind by reading a chapter of a book or close your eyes and listen to an audiobook.
Working a cup of herbal tea into your bedtime ritual might also help you relax, but avoid green tea though, as it has caffeine in it, which is of course a stimulant. You’ll want to avoid drinking coffee or caffeinated beverages in the evening or late afternoon altogether. The same goes for alcohol, as your body will be working hard to break that down, instead of resting.
Meditation, yoga, or even simple stretching before bedtime can also help you to get into the zone and wind down before bed. There are countless mindfulness tutorials and meditation videos on YouTube. Or you can use a mindfulness app like Headspace or Smiling Mind to guide you.
If you have a virtual assistant, like an Amazon Alexa, you can ask it to play Sleep Sounds while you rest. Similar devices like Google Home also offer relaxation sounds to help you wind down. Alternatively, choose some relaxing music from a Spotify playlist, to play softly as you sleep.
5 ways to promote a good sleep while grieving.
A great place to start is by eliminating elements that contribute to wakefulness. Take for example, these ways to promote good sleep
- Make sure your bed, mattress and pillows are comfortable, and that your bedding provides a comfortable temperature.
- Block out as much light as possible. Blackout curtains work a treat, or an eye mask can be especially helpful.
- Put your mobile phone on silent and switch off the vibrate notifications, or turn it off completely. Better yet, leave it in another room so you’re not tempted to check messages in the middle of the night.
- Use earplugs to help block out noise, or find a source for white noise or relaxation sounds.
- Avoid napping too late in the afternoon, as you probably won’t be tired enough to sleep through the night.
If you’ve given these tips a go and you’re still having trouble sleeping, make an appointment to see your GP.
How poor sleep affects the body and mind.
The effects of grief and the effects of poor sleep have a lot of overlap. Sleep deprivation can cause a heightened stress response, changes in mood, difficulty concentrating, and long term can lead to depression and anxiety.
Grief affects us similarly as well; many people experience exhaustion, changes in appetite, aches and pains and anxiety due to chronic stress from the grief. Not to mention the general fear, panic attacks and despair we feel in loss.
Read: Why does grief feel so physical?
Part of working through your grief is reducing your stress in any way you can, but also cutting yourself some slack. Praise yourself for every small change or action, and be kind to yourself on the days where nothing gets done.
How you can reduce your stress.
While we’ve already talked about some ways to settle yourself to sleep at night, many of the same habits that support better sleep can also help reduce stress throughout the day. It might feel like you’re listening to a broken record with this advice, but there’s a reason these are some common ways to reduce stress, which in turn can help with your sleep.
- Working through your emotions: overwhelming negative emotions like anger or guilt can prolong the intense effect of grief and stress when not kept in check. The issue isn’t the negative emotions itself, but how much space you allow them to take up. If negative emotions take up all the space, there won’t be enough room for anything positive.
- Breathwork and journaling: both are mindfulness practices that are proven in reducing stress and calming down the nervous system. Sometimes just jotting thoughts and ideas down can help calm and clear your mind.
- Laughter: whether that’s a funny TV show, or spending time with people who bring you joy and make you laugh, laughter is truly the best medicine.
- Avoiding people or things that cause stress: many of us have people, events or just something that keeps us in a state of stress. Learning to set boundaries and saying no when you need to can help keep that stress in check.
The thing with habits is that it’s easy to fall off the bandwagon even on the best of days, and when you’re grieving, setting up routines can feel overwhelming. Take your time and add one small change at a time. Trying to change everything all at once can feel like too much, and it’s okay to go slowly.
Having someone you can call.
Although everyone will grieve differently, one thing we have in common is our need for human connection and good, healthy conversations about grief. Reach out to a family member or close friend. You’d be surprised how comforting it can be to talk through your feelings with another human, over a cup of coffee.
No matter your situation, you’re never alone as you navigate your grief journey. There are specialist bereavement services available, including the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. Our list of grief counselling and support services across Australia includes more contacts that might help. Or for more immediate help, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
We’re here for you.
Grief is a lifelong journey of love, loss and learning to live without your loved one by your side.
At Bare, we’re here to help. Here are some further resources to help you along your grief journey:
- What to expect after a loved one dies.
- Your grief questions answered: 10 FAQs about coping with loss.
- How to help someone who is grieving.
- 5 ways to stay connected after a loved one has died.
- 11 ways to honour a loved one on their death anniversary.
- ‘There’s nothing wrong with crying’.
Head to our Grief Resources for videos and more articles talking through grief.
Disclaimer: This article provides general information only and does not constitute professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for guidance specific to your situation.
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