Grief comes in many forms. It can hit different at different times and different stages of the end-of-life journey. It can feel like a wave that is calm one moment but crashes down the next. It can be so hard to know what to expect after the death of a loved one because grief can present differently for everyone.
Grief can present as shock, frustration, guilt, or even anger. You might even feel relief that the person is no longer suffering. You may not even be grieving at all at this moment. However your grief may present itself right now, it is the right way to feel at this moment.
As we are all unique, so too is our grief and how we respond emotionally when someone close to us dies.
Having supported thousands of Australian families through their grief, we have put together this article to share some insights about what you might expect after the death of a loved one.
Coping with grief after the death of a loved one
To get a better understanding about what to expect after the death of a loved one, I asked Bare's Customer Experience Manager and funeral arranger, Daphney Adams for her insights. She said it is common to feel lost in the hours, days, months after a loved one has died, but grief is an ongoing process.
"You may feel numb right now, but that’s OK. That’s your body's way of coping."You may feel like crying, but there's no need to apologise for it. Crying is really normal right now, so allow yourself to cry if you need to," she added.
Daphney gives grieving families permission to be kind to themselves and take things one day at a time.
"You can tell the world to all go away for a day. The idea being that some days are good and some days not so," she said. "When grieving, people feel they need to put on a strong face for others and often they don't grieve authentically because they are acting a certain way for others. I say to them, on your tough days just look after you and tell the world to leave you alone. And that's OK!"
What to expect after the death of a child
“When I lost my son, I used to talk to myself as if I was talking to my kids. And when a wave of grief rolled over me, I would say stop it and I would pat myself on the hand. It was enough to bend my attention away from the grief," Shannon said.
“The waves are further apart now but this little routine still helps me.
“I will never stop loving him or thinking about him but I smile about him more now because he was funny and I fill myself with that as much as I can," she said.
“I wish anyone who is grieving strength and the permission to see humour in the world, because your love ones love to see you smile - the ones here and the ones waiting for you.”
Every person’s experience of grief is individual. Some may move through disbelief, anger, or guilt; others may reach acceptance sooner. Accepting what has happened doesn’t mean you loved the person any less, it simply means you are learning how to carry that love differently.
You might also notice that people around you grieve in ways that don’t look like yours. That’s normal too. Age, personality, faith, and the relationship you had with your loved one all shape how grief shows itself.
As you move through your own experience, you might also wonder how to help someone who is grieving. Here are a few gentle ways to do that.
Help someone grieving by validating how they are feeling
Grief is an ongoing process. It can come and go at different moments after someone close to us dies. There are obvious triggers, like birthdays, death anniversaries, or at Christmas time when someone important is visibly missing. But grief can also appear almost out of nowhere.
It might surface if a special song comes on the radio, or if a scent of perfume or a particular food drifts along. Or if someone says or does something that reminds your friend or family member of their loved one.
Embracing those heartfelt memories of a loved one can be a wonderful consequence of grief, so it's important to allow the bereft to ride the wave of emotion when those moments present themselves.
However the person is feeling is the right way for them. They may feel lost, confused, numb, sad, angry, guilt, in physical pain, or even relief. They could even be cracking jokes. If you are supporting someone through their grief, it's important to understand that however they are feeling in that moment is validated.
Daphney also encourages those who have lost a loved one, to keep talking to them. So if you want to help someone who is grieving, it's important not to discourage this. "Chat to them as you always did. If you have decisions to make, talk to them. At times, even tell them off for leaving you! It may sound a little out there, but these people were an integral part of their lives and all of a sudden their physical presence is gone.
"Telling people to keep talking to them helps them transition slowly, keep their loved one still in their lives and doesn't force them to accept someone is gone and deal with that black hole straight away," she said. "It's a completely normal thing to do and not something people should think is crazy. Whether they believe their loved one is there and can hear them or not is not important, it's actually cathartic for the grieving person."
How to help someone grieving a parent or grandparent
I was just 20 when my dad lost his battle with cancer. Being so young, I was deeply worried I would forget what he looked like.
I have kept Dad’s memory alive by sharing fond memories about him with my family and friends, and keeping photos of him nearby. I can still picture his happy and kind face as vividly as if I saw him just yesterday.
My advice to those wanting to support someone younger, who is grieving the death of a parent or grandparent, is simply to listen to their stories and encourage them to talk about their Dad, or Mum, or Nan. Just listening can mean so much.
Every time I talk about Dad to friends and family – even those who never met him – I etch a bigger piece of him in my heart and mind. I know that as long as I keep his memory alive, he can never be forgotten. And thinking he is here with me as I navigate life's ups and downs as an adult is truly heartwarming.
Tips on coping with grief, from our community
Below are some brilliant pearls of wisdom about what to expect after the death of a loved one, shared on our Facebook page, from people on their own grief journey. We hope their insights help provide some come comfort, guidance or validation through your grief.
“In the first two weeks there’s too much to do. I was fortunate that my children took over for me and did a wonderful job. I was so thankful and everything was taken care of and the funeral was as we wanted.” – Marjorie
“Everyone grieves differently. It comes before the person has passed for me, so far.” – Ann
“It is going to be so much harder than you ever imagined.” – Linda
“The emptiness is unbelievable.” – Mary
“You have to grieve your loved one then you have to get on with life, for the sake of others close to you. But never forget the ones that mean something in your life that have passed.” - Paul
“I have learned about triggers. How one can think the worst is over and suddenly something happens and it’s all back again. I call it ‘stepping on the rake’.” – Philipa
“When you are grieving and trying to cope with an acute loss, the details can be overwhelming. There can be so many people and professional bodies to inform. I have written a list of of people to contact at the time of death and have left a copy with our Wills.” – David
What to do after the death of a loved one
Despite the way grief appears to each person at the moment it shows up, those who have lost a loved one usually feel overwhelmed by death. You might find it helpful to read our article when someone dies, what do I do?
Remember that you aren't expected to know what to do. That is what we are here for.
At Bare, we understand that we are meeting people at the most vulnerable time of their lives. Our team of compassionate funeral arrangers are here to guide you every step of the way. We will take care of things for you, so that you can get back to navigating life without your person and supporting those around you.
To speak with one of our funeral arrangers, please give us a call on 1800 071 176, or head to the Bare Funeral Services page for more information.
Grief support services
Although everyone will grieve differently, one common thing is our need for human connection and good, healthy conversations about grief. You’re not alone. Our Grief Support webpage includes some excellent resources and videos about grief and bereavement.
There are also specialist bereavement services available, including the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement. Or for more immediate help, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Our list of grief counselling and support services across Australia includes more contacts that might help.
Disclaimer: This article provides general information only and does not constitute professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for guidance specific to your situation.
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